Running Chatter

Love this. Truly. (I am soooo sorry this became so long. Just really hits me right now!)

I read your original post last week and it resonated with me and I have wanted to respond and then I see this post and even more than the original I find it speaking to me.

Oh SHE….she has provided many moments of self-doubt, frustration and anger. To me, SHE, this person that we ALL make up in our mind, doesn’t exist and is nothing more than our own insecurities…..my insecurities. I am looking to others to find assurance that what I am doing is OK or that I am on the “right track” but in reality I am creating this idea that is unattainable and ends up making me feel bad about myself or pushes me to strive for something that NO ONE will ever be able to reach. We put this unnecessary pressure on ourselves to try to “keep it together” but that pressure is what ends up causing the problem much of the time.

I reached this revelation, I guess you can call it, when Henry turned one and I wrote his first birthday post. The revolution: I want to be real. Not just on my blog but more importantly in my life. I want to be ME and I want Henry to see it is OK to be who you are and it is ok if things aren’t perfect. I am not changed completely…I have a lot of work to go, but I want to be comfortable in my own skin so Henry can see that and not be comparing himself to HIM.

“Do my kids see me loving myself? Do they see me embracing where I am today? Do they see me accepting myself and others as they are?” Oh this is what hit me and made me cry. HE is the reason I want to forget about HER. He is the reason I want to be OK in my own skin and with who I am.

Most of the first year I spent getting angry at myself, putting myself down because I would see on blogs/FB (the place for me that SHE shows herself the most) that people seemed to have it together and here I am struggling EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to keep it together. I kept much of it inside. Why, because of HER. I didn’t want to appear that I couldn’t do what it seems like everyone else was doing just fine….or at least that is what I assumed because no one was talking or showing the “mess ups” in their life.

I would have conversations with myself like: Why was it so much harder for me? What was I doing wrong? And I constantly doubted my ability to be his mother.

Now I am not blaming HER for all that, I have my own issues to work out. BUT, I think when we are online we have a tendency to post the things that make us happy (and why shouldn’t we!) but we don’t always want to show vulnerability and post about the things that makes us questions ourselves….because that is not what SHE would do. I mean, she has it all together, right?! 🙂

But then, as I wrote his first post it hit me (FINALLY) we are all just trying to survive and NO one has it together….but being online is an outlet and we want to forget about the stresses for a bit and because of that it all comes across “put together” and I think seeing so many people in that light, it in turn makes us feel inadequate. We don’t always talk about the truths of how we feel and what we are going through. But the reality is that it can be hard for everyone, and nothing is perfect, and it is totally ok if we order in food instead of cooking or don’t clean the house as often as others might or pictures are not perfect or someone’s house is bigger or our kids don’t bathe but once a week or the chores don’t get done or laundry piles up or we feel frustrated with jobs, spouses, kids.

There will always be someone or something out there to whom we will want to compare ourselves too or that will make us feel inadequate. SHE only exists if we let her exist and like you said, “In the end it's about embracing ourselves as we are, who we are, and where we are on the journey.” And I truly want to do that for me and for Henry.

Oh Summer, this post was wonderful! Again, sorry I am so wordy. You know when something speaks to you, it is hard to not share….and be real 🙂

P.S. your kids make me smile.ReplyCancel