Star Light, Star Bright

“I wonder if I’ll ever be happy.” 

This was a sentiment thrown out to me today. . . and it has me thinking. . .

You see, when the words met my ears everything inside me was screaming. . .it’s up to you!!  But, I’ll admit, maybe I’m wrong.  I wonder?  Am I just naive?  Have I not experienced enough yet to really understand that, sometimes, life circumstances trump hope?

What do you think?

I work on Monday’s.  By the time I get home, the kitchen table has been cleared, dishes have been cleaned and put away, and the aroma of dinner lingers in the air.  On some Monday’s I get home and the kids are already in bed. On those days, I sneak in for a quick conversation and a good-night hug before they drift off to sleep.  On other evenings, my last client cancels and I am lucky enough to get home before little heads hit fluffy pillows. 

Tonight I got home in time for bedtime.

Monday night bedtimes are extra special because I haven’t seen the kids all day and I am less rushed with my patience tank on full.  Tonight, I put Chanelle to bed while the boys wrestled in the next room.  Since my patience was on “full” I was all in when Chanelle requested a few extra books.  And the 14 questions that went with each page turn?  They didn’t bother me a bit. 

I love the way she nestles her head into the little space between my arm and my torso.  And the way she clutches the animal of the night in one arm and laces her other arm through mine gives me warm fuzzies like you wouldn’t believe.  I like to watch as she fights to get her little toes covered by her blanket as unfiltered chatter flows from her mouth.  Tonight it went something like, “Mommy, who painted my room?  Was it dark when I was in your belly?  Do we have olives?  I like olives, but Ruby doesn’t.  Can I sleep in Charlie’s room? Please? What are we doing tomorrow?

I attempt to read while she interrupts every other word with her barrage of questions.  I repeat, over and over again, listen and you’ll know, Chanelle, until the story finally ends.  We laugh and clap our way through a book of silly rhymes before opening a “new” book from the library.  This book makes my eyes glisten as I read, “Dearest baby, child of mine I will hold you ’til you sleep. . . While the leaves of autumn fly, we will laugh the pain away. . . Dearest baby, child of mine I will love you all your life. . .” And when Chanelle asks why I’m crying, I just remind her that I love her because I know that there is no way she will understand until the day when she will hold her own little bundle in her arms. 

We close the books and I cover her up from shoulders to toes and stop in to say a final good night to my little guy.  Without fail, though, they will venture out of their rooms for one reason or another, but luckily it’s Monday and my tank is full, so it’s okay.

So here I sit on a Monday night thinking about that question. . . will I ever be happy?  I think about those two little people sleeping peacefully in their beds and I hope upon hope that they will find happiness in their life.  I know, though, that life will throw them curve balls and all will not be perfect. Does happiness mean perfection?  Am I crazy to think that even if life doesn’t go as planned. . . there is always something to be happy about? 

My answer to that question today is. . . heck yes, there is always something to be happy about.  I have to believe that even in times of hardship, mourning, and pain. . . hardship, mourning, and pain is not ALL there is.  There is always something to celebrate.  There is always something for which I can be thankful.  There is always hope.  I say that a bit hesitantly, though, knowing that, if I’m lucky, more of my life is ahead of me than behind me.  Perhaps I’ll feel different in another 30 years when I’ve experienced a bit more. . .

I doubt it, though.  I’m stubborn. . . I’m not likely to admit I was wrong.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.”
Helen Keller

  • Kim - January 18, 2011 - 12:16 pm
  • Sassytimes - January 18, 2011 - 1:55 pm

    Can I just say that Chanelle is totally Sophia at bedtime. Your play by play had me laughing. They are so sweet.

    I truly believe you can find happy in every single day; even the hardest of days. Life is what you make it. AND, I truly believe that those of us who have experienced pain in life, appreciate all that surrounds us more. Almost as if it opens our eyes a little more and teaches us to make our own happy. To not take anything, or any moment, for granted.ReplyCancel

  • Anonymous - January 18, 2011 - 10:04 pm

    sometimes i need the reminder that i control me being happy. Sometimes its is easy to let outside things steal your sunshine. But I will find more!:) Thanks for the reminder ~tammyReplyCancel

  • Written Permission - January 19, 2011 - 2:40 am

    I could not agree with you more, S. It's all about finding happiness in the small things, and appreciating when you get that elusive "big happy," too. You are better at this than 99 percent of all the folks I know. And you certainly inspire me, too!

    Love you, friend.ReplyCancel

  • Adopted Aunt - January 20, 2011 - 12:08 am

    So true girl. Love the way you write it out. Yes we can be happy even when things don't go our way or get messed up especially since GOD is the center of our lives. We can look at whatever is going on and find at least one thing that makes us happy. Love the ? was it dark in your tummy??? Glad you were home for bedtime:)ReplyCancel

  • Ky • twopretzels.com - January 21, 2011 - 2:18 pm

    I'm reading this book right now that argues that some folks are more wired for happiness than others. Meaning their born-temperament might make it easier for them to be happy than for others…

    I find that to be an interesting argument.

    But I'm with you – happiness is a choice.

    And my goal, sappy as it is, as a God-follower, is to be content in ALL circumstances.

    YEARS ago after you had Charlie, we were at a restaurant with the girls and we were talking about how Chad was working a lot and you were busy and how this SEASON in your life was just that: a season.

    That has stuck with me for YEARS. I look at these times in our lives as seasons… and I try to be content during them.

    (Ok, sorry for the length of this comment.)ReplyCancel

  • abbey bernardi - January 25, 2011 - 9:00 am

    that was so beautiful, i am balling my eyes out reading it, because i have been asking myself the same questions lately. Thank you thank you thank you for being so honest.ReplyCancel

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