Last week I wrote this post about how I tend to compare myself to this ideal woman that I created in my head. And while I know that ideal woman doesn’t exist I’m quite sure that you are Her.
And You.
And You.
Really, in my mind, everyone else has it all together while I am a 12 year old in a 34 year old body pretending that I know what I’m doing when really I’m hoping not to get caught and exposed for the poser I am. I won’t rehash what I’ve already said but feel free to go back and read if you missed it.
Honestly, I was quite surprised by how the post resonated with a number of my friends. Even more, I was surprised by the perspective given to me from some who suggested that perhaps I have been “Her” for others. And since I know how scattered and absent minded I really am, I had never considered such an idea.
Me. . . Her?
My first instinct was to click the “Create Post” tab and have a full out confessional session on Blogger. I would air all my dirt while proclaiming I am Not Her and beating my fist against my chest, offer my sorrow, do my Penance and when I walked away all would be right with the world.
I have mentioned my irrational side, right?
The rational side, however, urged me to wait. Come on, Summer, said my rational side, is that really necessary?
Probably not. You see, what I realized as I thought about Her is that I am responsible for her. And since I created her I have the power to show her the door.
Just recently I was talking with a friend who has found herself smitten and happy in a relationship. As she was musing about her concern that she has this to work on and that quirk and this problem and shouldn‘t I fix all this before I invite another person in my life? My response was simple. . . we love people as they are. . .not as they should be. . . (Seriously, if Chad would have waited for me to get all my junk together before we married, well, I’d still be single.)
Isn’t this true for ourselves? In the end it’s about embracing ourselves as we are, who we are, and where we are on the journey.
Thoughts about these things come more and more as I watch Chanelle getting older. Little by little my baby girl is growing and honestly, I hope she can avoid some of the challenges I’ve faced. And while I trust that my words are important, I think my example will be more so.
Do my kids see me loving myself? Do they see me embracing where I am today? Do they see me accepting myself and others as they are?
Because that is what I see when I look at them.
I love to watch the way my kids live. All kids, really. The way they stand tall when they walk. The way they so easily approach one another and extend the hand of friendship. I love that they don’t see color or size or how well they’ve got everything together. I love that with kids. . . what you see is what you get.
There is such beauty in just being.
As I’ve thought about Her this week I’ve found comfort in the fact that we are all on a journey that is unique to us, but not as different from Hers or Hers or Hers, as we think it is.
The older I get the more I find myself embracing my imperfections. Not to say that there is not always room for improvement, but rather, I’m more okay admitting that I don’t really have it all together. That there are questions to which I will never find answers. That on some days surviving is as good as it’s going to get. And on most days. . . few things, if anything, get 100%.
And I think that’s okay. Because even in my hot-mess, emotion-laden, sometimes mad-crazy mood swings, I know that I, just like you (and Her), am doing my best. . . and really isn’t that what
really matters?
Because when everything is said and done, I realize that life is about living, not perfecting.
Love this. Truly. (I am soooo sorry this became so long. Just really hits me right now!)
I read your original post last week and it resonated with me and I have wanted to respond and then I see this post and even more than the original I find it speaking to me.
Oh SHE….she has provided many moments of self-doubt, frustration and anger. To me, SHE, this person that we ALL make up in our mind, doesn’t exist and is nothing more than our own insecurities…..my insecurities. I am looking to others to find assurance that what I am doing is OK or that I am on the “right track” but in reality I am creating this idea that is unattainable and ends up making me feel bad about myself or pushes me to strive for something that NO ONE will ever be able to reach. We put this unnecessary pressure on ourselves to try to “keep it together” but that pressure is what ends up causing the problem much of the time.
I reached this revelation, I guess you can call it, when Henry turned one and I wrote his first birthday post. The revolution: I want to be real. Not just on my blog but more importantly in my life. I want to be ME and I want Henry to see it is OK to be who you are and it is ok if things aren’t perfect. I am not changed completely…I have a lot of work to go, but I want to be comfortable in my own skin so Henry can see that and not be comparing himself to HIM.
“Do my kids see me loving myself? Do they see me embracing where I am today? Do they see me accepting myself and others as they are?” Oh this is what hit me and made me cry. HE is the reason I want to forget about HER. He is the reason I want to be OK in my own skin and with who I am.
Most of the first year I spent getting angry at myself, putting myself down because I would see on blogs/FB (the place for me that SHE shows herself the most) that people seemed to have it together and here I am struggling EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to keep it together. I kept much of it inside. Why, because of HER. I didn’t want to appear that I couldn’t do what it seems like everyone else was doing just fine….or at least that is what I assumed because no one was talking or showing the “mess ups” in their life.
I would have conversations with myself like: Why was it so much harder for me? What was I doing wrong? And I constantly doubted my ability to be his mother.
Now I am not blaming HER for all that, I have my own issues to work out. BUT, I think when we are online we have a tendency to post the things that make us happy (and why shouldn’t we!) but we don’t always want to show vulnerability and post about the things that makes us questions ourselves….because that is not what SHE would do. I mean, she has it all together, right?! 🙂
But then, as I wrote his first post it hit me (FINALLY) we are all just trying to survive and NO one has it together….but being online is an outlet and we want to forget about the stresses for a bit and because of that it all comes across “put together” and I think seeing so many people in that light, it in turn makes us feel inadequate. We don’t always talk about the truths of how we feel and what we are going through. But the reality is that it can be hard for everyone, and nothing is perfect, and it is totally ok if we order in food instead of cooking or don’t clean the house as often as others might or pictures are not perfect or someone’s house is bigger or our kids don’t bathe but once a week or the chores don’t get done or laundry piles up or we feel frustrated with jobs, spouses, kids.
There will always be someone or something out there to whom we will want to compare ourselves too or that will make us feel inadequate. SHE only exists if we let her exist and like you said, “In the end it's about embracing ourselves as we are, who we are, and where we are on the journey.” And I truly want to do that for me and for Henry.
Oh Summer, this post was wonderful! Again, sorry I am so wordy. You know when something speaks to you, it is hard to not share….and be real 🙂
P.S. your kids make me smile.