I remember a small living room. I remember warm blankets and lots of pillows. I know there was a couch and maybe even a chair or two. Perhaps a rocking chair? I remember the smell of popcorn and the sounds of laughter. I remember the room was lit with lamps, giving it a cozy feel. I remember the room feeling crowded in a warm sort of way. Young women sprawled on the floor and stuffed together on couches. I remember the red drink–a mix of cranberry and orange juice, I think? I’ve forgotten many of the little details but others are embedded in my mind forever. Forever, I will remember our hosts, Don and Nancy. And forever I will be thankful for their questions.
The above scene occurred on a weekly basis during my college years. Somehow, after transfering in from another school, all the stars aligned and the Heaven’s opened to light my way into an incredible group of women (and one male) who made an impact on my life that will last a lifetime.
Don and Nancy lived just off campus. Both worked at the college, and in a way, became surrogate parents for countless women whom they welcomed into their home each week. They allowed us to invade their living room with our chatter, our problems, our drama and all the things that young women bring.
We all have times in our lives that we can pinpoint as a ‘turning point’. For me, gathering around that circle of women and Don and Nancy was one of mine. You see, we didn’t just gather and chat. . . it was so much more. In that circle we asked questions.
Each week Don would take a bowl off the shelf and a pre-written question was randomly pulled and presented to the group. To share was optional. . . to listen was required.
It was in that circle that I began to learn the importance of sharing. I think that was when I first began to dip my toe in the waters of vulnerability. When I began to understand the importance of letting what is inside, out.
Each week, one question was asked and our time together was filled with our answers. With our answers and with our listening. During that time I began to learn that it’s okay to ask (and to answer) hard questions.
What if we would have our own question bowl? How great would it be if we, as a family, could begin being intentional about asking and sharing?! In my minds eye I saw us gathered around sharing feelings and thoughts and ideas, much like we did in college. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect idea.
I presented my idea to Charlie and Chanelle the following day and was pleasantly surprised when I got zero resistance. (It helps when you pose the idea as a “Question Game”). Immediately the jar was prepared and questions were added.
I started. . . When were you most afraid? The kids, thinking about questions they wanted to add. . . . hmmmm (sounds of crickets)
I threw in another one. . . what makes you angry?
More and more silence until Chanelle (finally) comes up with a question. . .
I have one, she says, eyes lighting up with excitement. What’s the biggest leaf you ever saw??
Not exactly what I was going for, but we’ll go with it. This is followed up by about thirty similar questions excitedly spit out by Chanelle. What’s the smallest bug you ever saw? What’s the tiniest plant you ever saw? What’s the biggest house you ever saw? What’s the biggest animal you ever saw. . . and on and on and on.
Such sweet innocence slays me and I say a silent prayer. . . please God, let her hold onto this.
These aren’t the questions I had originally intended, but she continues to come up with them and I’m fine with it. For now, it’s working for us.
Each evening as we put them to bed, one question is pulled and each one of us answers it. Sometimes the question is about the biggest bird we ever saw and every now and then a “Mom question” is pulled. . . when were you most sad?
What I have noticed is that they are sharing and they are listening. I watch as Chanelle tells her stories about the biggest leaf she ever saw (a banana leaf) and her eyes open as wide as they can go with excitement. I watch as Charlie is very thoughtful and deliberate about his answers. And I notice as Meadow grabs her milk and her blanket to lay amongst us just to listen. I am also very aware of the anticipation they have of my answer and of Chad’s answer. They are listening to our answers and as much as we are learning about them, they are also learning about us.
Sure, maybe answering questions about bugs and leaves and plants isn’t what I originally intended, but that’s okay. What I hope is that we are building a norm in our house. An understanding that in our home we will talk. In our home we will listen. Today we’re talking about ugliest animals and the best ice cream we’ve ever had, but maybe this will open up the door to other things.
At least I hope so. . .
I really love this idea, Summer — what a wonderful way to encourage meaningful conversation between family members!
1). i LOVE this and that you are doing it. 2). i am absolutely positive that you are laying the groundwork for deeper and tougher topics later on. i'm sure of it. 3). that picture of Chanelle (with her braided ponytail) actually took my breath away. her eyes are amazing. everything about this photo yells "ENLARGE ME, KEEP ME FOREVER, ENTER ME INTO A PHOTO CONTEST OF SOME SORT, PUT ME ON YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY WEBSITE" – just sayin". 4). you described the college scene perfectly. yes, it was OJ and Cranberry Apple – but only Don could mix it just so. 5). i emailed Don and Nance first thing this morning and said "go read Summer's blog" and I hope i didn't steal your thunder on that one!! ; )
lastly. i love you! Miss
Wonderful!! This a great idea! You described in beautiful words how meaningful that group was and how much it helped us ALL grow, change and morph in to the women we are today.
Awesome idea, we may just have to "steal" it! 🙂
Great idea!! when I first started reading all I could think of was what ridiculous ?s my kids would come up with…just as yours did. But it's fun and when they get older, the ?s will get better!
For starters, I'm blessed to know I was one of those "young women" who was graced by your presence in our college basic group. I, too, have so many fond memories of those evenings, nights, really late nights gathered around desserts, drinks, and women…well, and Don. Secondly, we love asking questions to our kids too! We feel the same way as you…if we start young with questions that appeal to what they are involved in then one day when they are older and the questions are more serious they will already know we are "safe" and easy to talk to. It will be natural because it has always been natural. Blessings as we try to parent our best, friend!
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