I got the call today. . . the one we’ve been waiting for. . .

“Your test results are in. . . They are negative.”

I hung up the phone and like waves of an ocean during a violent storm, the emotions came rushing toward me. . .

Relief, sadness, exhaustion, frustration, joy, anger, fear, confusion. . . to name a few.  It seems crazy, I know.  Of course you would assume the only emotion I would feel is utter relief.  I was surprised, myself, by the torrent of feelings that flowed. 

As quickly as the emotions came, the tears were not far behind.  Not the slow, silent, gentle sort of tears.  No, these were real tears.  Tears that blinded my sight and took my breath away.  Tears that are difficult to understand. . . tears that I am still trying to understand.  Tears that continue to flow, even now.  Maybe it’s just exhaustion.  I haven’t slept much at all over the last few weeks. . . since they used the word with me. . . The cancer word.  It could be that.  I think it’s more, though.

Over the past couple of weeks I have felt like I was being dangled by the slight thread of a rope over the Grand Canyon.  I was just hanging and waiting.  Helpless.  It wasn’t just me, though.  It was Chad. . . it was my family. . . it was my close friends.  There we were. . . all of us. . . hanging on a tiny thread and holding our breath. . .

Today, we were pulled to safety.  Today we exhaled and sucked in huge gulps of air when we found out. . . your tests were negative. 

So, why are my emotions so mixed?  Part of it is because, sometimes crossing something off a list only leads to more questions.  And part of it is because I feel like all of the last week, the surgery, the worry, the fear, the cost was just wasted time.  And part of it, I think, is because I realize that I’m one of the lucky ones.  Even as I sit here tonight, I wonder how many people ended their waiting today, but with different results.  How many are pulling their knees into their chests and wondering how they are going to get through it.  It happens, all the time, I know.  It’s happened in our family and it has probably happened in yours. . .

. . . I wish it never had to happen. 

And so I sit here tonight overcome with relief by the results of my tests, but also filled with questions that don’t really have answers.  I have come to understand that none of us are exempt from hardships.  None of us will make our way through this life without scars.  There is no rhyme or or reason. . . your struggle is this one, mine is that one.  And so goes life. . .

My mind is on over-load with thoughts tonight.  I could go on, and I will. . . but not tonight.  I’m exhausted and I think I’m going to sleep tonight. . . finally.  There will be more from this, I am certain. 

Before I close I want to say thank you to all of you who have reached out to me through this blog, email, phone calls and texts.  Thank you to those who have poured out love and support through our waiting.  My heart has been warmed and it overflows with feelings of love and thankfulness to those of you who have come along side of us. 

Thank you is so inadequate. . . but it’s all I have.

  • mommathieszen - January 27, 2011 - 12:58 pm

    Praise the Lord, Summer! He will be faithful in giving you answers to the questions that need answers and then silent on those that we simply wouldn't understand anyway. The silence is hard for "thinkers" like you and I to understand, but as the verse says that Lily and I were memorizing…"And the peace of God, which TRANSCENDS all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." His ways and peace go beyond what we can comprehend…and we should be thankful because that is what GUARDS our emotional and loving hearts and our deep thinking minds from knowing too much.

    Cancer is a tough one for us to understand. My niece had it at 2 years old, Micah's mom lost her battle when he was 6, there are countless others in our families, but the silver lining in our life is that Micah has such a deep passion to help cancer patients that it has driven him to be a nurse in an infusion room where he gets to help many, many people when they are in their moments of tucking their knees up to their chests in disbelief. His calling is to be there for those people, and with the Lord's help, He is amazing at it. I could NEVER do what he has been called to do! Be comforted today in knowing that for those whose message on the phone was "positive", God surely hasn't left them in that place without an immense support system in place.

    But for YOU, Summer, simply be grateful, and humbled, and joyful. Ask the hard questions of God and be assured He will answer what needs to be answered. Love to you all–and much needed restful, peaceful sleep to you!ReplyCancel

  • Sassytimes - January 27, 2011 - 1:56 pm

    I've been thinking about you. Glad your results came back negative. I hope you can finally start to find some peace in all the emotions.ReplyCancel

  • Anonymous - January 27, 2011 - 3:14 pm

    O when I heard I said Praise GOD!!! I know though too personaly that you are so grateful its not that but its frustrating in the not knowing part. You just have to keep on going till you get answers. I hope you slept well last night. I can hear the children in the living room playing with Brett and his legos. They are so cute I just love when they are here. They make me smile, and look at things throuogh their observant eyes which Charlie did. Don't keep such a perfect house ok!!!!. They talked about the fun you had yesterday. Praying for you. God is there holding you up under his wings.
    Love to you:) and many prayers.ReplyCancel

  • Written Permission - January 27, 2011 - 4:11 pm

    YES! YES! Oh, Sum, I am so, so happy to hear this. I've been praying for you daily since I read about the tests. I cannot imagine the relief you and Chad must be feeling. I'm so, so glad this trial had a positive (negative!) outcome. 🙂

    Love, love, love you.ReplyCancel

  • Kendra - January 27, 2011 - 6:26 pm

    Oh, Summer! I had NO IDEA you were dealing with this possibility.

    I am so relieved to hear your tests were negative and can not imagine all of the emotions you must be working through.

    Praise God! Love you!ReplyCancel

  • SnappyTulip - January 28, 2011 - 1:17 am

    Yay! Yay! Yay!ReplyCancel

  • Love the Present - January 28, 2011 - 6:50 am

    So happy for you Summer. Really, really happy for you and your family.ReplyCancel

  • Charbelle - January 31, 2011 - 2:35 am

    So so so glad that the results came back negative!!! I've been thinking about you and reading all along and I was so thankful that the results were negative!!!ReplyCancel

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