Between Insecure and Cocky

I’ll be the first to admit. . . I think too much.  And while thinking isn’t a bad thing, thinking too much can become a bad thing.  At least for me, that is.  Because when I think too much it typically turns into obsessing.  And when I obsess I tend to live in my head and invite those closest to me to join me in the chaos of my obsessive thinking. 

It’s been a thinking obsessing kind of week.  It began as I was editing pictures from the session I did with the two little boys last weekend.  I sat at my computer and scrutinized and picked apart every detail of the pictures.  I went to bed thinking about the photos and wishing I would have done this or that or been more prepared or less timid.  As soon as my previous post was published I began agonizing over every word and every photo and berating myself for even putting it out there.  As the day moved forward things got progressively worse. I envisioned myself closing Running Chatter down and packing up my camera and stuffing it in the back of my closet and calling writing and photography something I “used to do.”

Yes, I tend toward the dramatic. 

But here I am again.  Dusting myself off, climbing back onto my feet, taking a deep breath, and ready once again, to put it all out there. 

You are crazy to be so insecure about your blog and your pictures, Summer. 

Those were Chad’s words to me today as I continued to process, or. . . er. . . obsess about this whole thing.  Instead of listening to his words I envision those singers on American Idol.  You know the ones?  The singers they highlight at the beginning of the season.  Those who stand before Randy, Simon, and Paula (or whoever the judges are now) and belt out a tune that sounds much like the neighborhood dog that howls at the moon.  And as the judges try so hard to hold back their laughter, the defeated contestant walks toward the door, with head hanging and tears in the eyes, to Mom who wraps her baby in a hug and tells him that those judges don’t know anything.  Yep, that’s what I think.  What if Chad is like that Mom? What if Chad is just being nice and doesn’t have the heart to tell me?

I did say that I tend toward the dramatic, right?

Truly, I have never had a lack of encouragement with regards to this space or my venture into photography.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Still. . . it’s never enough.  I still doubt.  I still wonder.  I still get discouraged.  A friend said to me today. . . we are just too hard on ourselves, we are our own worst enemies. 

She is right. . . there is quite a road to travel between insecurity and cockiness.  I so easy rest on the side of insecurity and I long to tip the scale toward confidence.  Not just for me. . . but for those that are watching. . .

My supervisor has often told me. . . the day you think you have this job figured out is the day you should probably get out.  I agree with her.  There is always room to grow and the place of balance, I believe, is the place of confidence.  Not confidence that says I know all there is to know, but confidence that understands that life is a journey.  Confidence that undersands that growth is always possible.  Confidence that understands that you can’t know what you don’t know yet.  Confidence that finds peace where you are today.

I know this is important.  I want Charlie, Chanelle, and Meadow to understand that perfection is not the goal, that failure isn’t really failure, and that celebrating where we are is important.


What I realized today is that the road that lies ahead of me is (hopefully) far longer than the road that lies behind me.  There is time.  Time to grow, time to learn, time to get better and be better.  Where I am today is not where I will be next month or next year. 

That thought is incredibly exciting to me. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am making a decision to continue to dream.  Not just to dream, but to chase those dreams.  My camera won’t be placed in the back of the closet and, for now, Running Chatter will continue to be my space.  You may not find perfection here, but hopefully if all goes as planned you will find movement forward. . .

. . . and the occasional purging of dramatics.

It’s the weekend. . .wishing you a Happy one!

We are constantly invited to be who we are.
Henry David Thoreau

  • Katie - July 27, 2012 - 12:03 pm

    I think I go through these moments on a weekly basis. Right now I'm at the point of knowing what I want, but just not knowing how to get from HERE to . . . THERE. But when I do reach those moments, what helps me most is my running and my camera. Those two activities are my therapy, my places to sort my head out. Still don't know how to bridge that mammoth gap, but I know one day as I'm slogging through those miles or shooting that perfect sunset, I'll have that "Eureka!!" moment and all will be clear.

    And I can be quite dramatic, too. ; )ReplyCancel

  • Sassytimes - July 27, 2012 - 1:00 pm


    I'm SO glad you didn't chuck everything into a closet somewhere. You should listen to that hubby of yours…I don't think he'd lie to you. I'll say it again, you have talent, Summer. Believe in yourself.

    And you are SO right about our children. They are watching and learning from us. I would never want my girls, gosh…my KIDS (gotta stop saying 'my girls', poor V.), to have as much self doubt as I have. I want them to have a great balance of confidence and a tiny bit of doubt that keeps them working harder. I love the phrase your boss tells you. So true!ReplyCancel

  • CharisFaith - July 27, 2012 - 2:22 pm

    You have talent, photography, writing, and so much more. In the time you have been writing here you have grown and changed.

    The head garbage, chases a lot of us. Not good enough, chuck it all, just quit trying. I think it comes from this misguided culture we live in that wants us to believe if we're not perfect then we fail.

    Except the standard of perfection that is being set isn't really perfection at all if that makes sense. It's a facade and what's behind it isn't real.

    I love your writing, I love your pictures. I am so glad that you share.

    I'm also a tiny (or lot) bit jealous of the multi blogger meet up. It's always so amazing to meet in person the ones we love through their blogs!!!

    Happy weekend!!!ReplyCancel

  • Anonymous - July 27, 2012 - 3:16 pm

    um, life without Running Chatter? that makes me want to run into a closet and hide! don't even say those words ever again, do you hear me!??

    this was brilliant and touched me today: Not confidence that says I know all there is to know, but confidence that understands that life is a journey. Confidence that undersands that growth is always possible. Confidence that understands that you can't know what you don't know yet. Confidence that finds peace where you are today.

    thank you for that.

    thank you for sharing yourself, too. really, i mean that. your space of the world wide web is important.

    as i read this post, it made me think of what you would say if you were a friend to yourself. you would say "ohmygoodness. are you serious? you are amazing and you are being ridiculous to think that what you are doing isn't good enough".

    it's always good to take our own advice! but hard, too.

    love you.

  • Summer - July 28, 2012 - 1:37 am


    Thank you for your kindness, support, empathy and encouragement about these things. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one and to be reminded that none of us are walking alone.

    Each of your words are like a dose of courage to keep at it.

    Thank you!ReplyCancel

  • Anonymous - July 28, 2012 - 5:07 am

    Whoa….I think you and I have both been way too hard on ourselves this week…boy, do I have things to talk to you about. This has just been one of those "beat myself up" week. So glad these days do not exist on a regular basis.

    I love this space…I love your photos…I love how you think…I am sure you will tire from hearing me say this….but seriously I love everything about Running Chatter, but most of all I LOVE YOU!

    Can't wait to spend time with you next week!!!

  • Wrestling Kitties - August 10, 2012 - 1:19 pm

    Oh I hear you on this. But see, I look at your beautiful pictures or Sassytimes pictures and then see my pictures and think…what am I doing wrong?! Why are mine not as pretty as theirs?! 🙂

    But we can be so hard on ourselves and we shouldn't! The great thing about these blogs is that we get to keep track of our lives and our experiences and share them with wonderful people we meet along the way!!

    Your pictures are beautiful! I love the way you write. I am so glad I was directed to your blog and have started to get to know you!! You must keep blogging 🙂ReplyCancel

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