Oh Friends, it’s so hard to write about this. There is a part of me that wants to just skip over it and pretend it never happened. A part of me that wishes to just walk on forward and talk about other parts of our weekend–but not this one. In fact, today is the first day I can think about it without shedding tears. . . though I suspect writing about it will bring those back. To not write about it, though, seems wrong. To skip over it goes against everything I have wanted for this space–a space to tell our story.
So, here it is. . .
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It was a day that we had anticipated for weeks. We talked about it, we counted down the days, she practiced for the ceremony with her classmates and while at home she diligently rehearsed her song in her sweet little voice. Over and over again I heard the lyrics. . . Peace is the world smiling, peace is a gentle dove, peace is caring, peace is sharing, peace is filling the world with love. . .
I was so excited for her and I didn’t hide it. I took part in the countdown. Words like, you’re almost a graduate and I’m so excited to hear you sing your song and only ___ days or ___ hours until graduation, escaped my lips often. She matched my excitement and anticipated her “moment” with equal enthusiasm.
But If I’m being completely honest (and I am) as the day approached I would lay in bed at night and feel the welling up of tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I told Chad of my bitter-sweet feelings. . . I’m going to miss her next year. I hate transitions like this. It all feels like it’s going so fast. . .
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Wasn’t it just yesterday we dropped her off for the first time and now she’s moving on and up?? How did this happen? Our girl. . . she’s growing up.
I kept a brave face for our graduate, though. I know she is ready and excited to be a Kindergartener and so we were sure to build it up.
(This is where the story begins to go bad.)
Chad, Charlie, Chanelle, Meadow and I drove to the graduation location and arrived at 4:15. . . 15 minutes before the ceremony was to begin. Immediately, Chad and I noticed the crowded parking lot that contained zero people walking toward the door. We approached the door and when I peaked inside my heart sank. Parents were standing up from their seats and cameras were pointed in the directions of Chanelle’s entire smiling preschool class–we had missed the entire program–which began a 4 p.m.
Oh Friends, I can’t describe the sinking feeling in my heart. I did my best to fight the tears, but failed miserably. I bent down to Chanelle’s level and through my tears apologized over and over while quickly explaining that Mama had the wrong time and we had missed the program, before she was swept away to join her class for pictures.
Through my tears I fumbled with my camera and attempted to get a shot of my girl who stood bravely fighting her own confused tears. In my mind I heard her sweet voice practicing her song, and I saw myself building anticipation for this day and, quite honestly, I felt like the worst Mom in the world.
We were back outside within minutes and my apologies continued while she listened and let me hug and kiss her. The disappointment, though, was all over her face as she sang her song for Chad’s mom to hear.
I had to explain to her that it was my fault and that I was so very sorry and her sweet voice she told us all, Poppy sent me flowers today and Gramps got me a cake. Even though I didn’t get to sing my song, this was the best Graduation.
. . . and I realize that she is light years beyond me.
After dinner the five of us stopped for a bit just to enjoy the outdoors and breathe a bit. I stood back and watched my girl running and laughing and playing and perfectly content in the moment and I couldn’t imagine anything more beautiful. . .
As I put her to bed that night I hugged her and apologized again and she assured me, It’s okay! And while she has moved on I am still recovering and fighting the lump that has taken a permanent residence in my throat. I know Chanelle is okay and I know that eventually I will be okay, too. For now this is what I know for sure. . .
. . . when I grow up, I hope I’m just like her.
kids are wonderful beings.
i love that pic of her running through the dandelions. that is pure childhood joy.
They are, aren't they, Katie? Sigh. . .
When do we lose that?
oh, friend. i was tearing up with you for this post….i'm sure it was a most horrible feeling to know that you missed your girl's ceremony. i'm sure it will (or is?) but a blip on her huge radar of life and will be shielded by all those countless times you do and did show up. 🙂
on a related note, at my grad ceremony yesterday (not the huge one, but the one just for a couple of hundred Education graduates), right before the 700 million names were called (BORING) a woman had just 2 minutes to share some wisdom with us. i braced myself for a lecture on educators changing the world one student at a time, blah blah. but she simply said: adults' minds are so anxious and full of thoughts and noise ALL THE TIME. we stress about the future and regret the past. and we can't stop it. but if you look at children, they are the best teachers of living in the moment.
so, yea, your girl is for sure your best educator. ; )
p.s. – could the preschool NOT be so on-time with their graduation performance…?!? don't they see people dropping their kids off late to school every day! ; )
love, miss
Thank you, Miss. And I agree with those words–these kids–they know something we don't–or we don't always remember in the moment.
I appreciate your words. You are right–it will be a blip on the radar screen.
You did it again my friend…..tear and smiles within a matter of moments….you have the amazing ability to capture not only the moment with pictures but your words are beautiful!
Thank you, Kyra. Love and miss you.
AWWW, I had my tears in my eyes…we will all be in your shoes at some point if we haven't already…what a sweet girl, chanelle is…seriously, where did Chanelle get this kind of attitude about things that don't go as expected? her mommy and daddy…she's learning it from somewhere! I'm pretty sure Chanelle is growing up to be just like her parents…we aren't perfect, we don't always do things exactly right, or we aren't always on time ;)…but, just remember she has seen this kind of reaction before and she's imitating it! 🙂 Congratulations, Chanelle!! … now if I can only master the "good attitude after things don't go as I expected!" You all will laugh about this in years to come!! 🙂 Mama still may feel a little pain in her heart as she laughs…but you will laugh! 🙂
Thank you for your kind and understanding words, Kendra. I think it helps to confess and to hear–none of us are perfect. I agree, we will laugh about this in years to come. In fact everyone else is, but me. I'll get there. 🙂
Thank you for these much needed words.
OH NO, HUGS TO YOU!!
Mom guilt SUCKS.
I wish as an adult, I could be like more Chanelle, or most kids for that matter. She found the fun and excitement in the day even if things didn't go perfectly. The joy you see in the pictures, that is beautiful.
Don't be too hard on yourself! As parents we are going to mess up SO MANY times!! 🙂 But our children don't always see it as that and can find happiness in the little things because like your daughter showed, she still had an amazing day!!
I feel for you lady! I really do. Yep, I cried with you as I read this post. I know how those "heart pounding, panic" moments feel like. BUT you have one amazing lil girl…I mean lady… on your hands! and if you wouldn't have shared the story with us, you would have never known any of that took place by looking at all these wonderful photos. I love her glasses, by the way. Oh and YELLOW is definitely her color. She is like a ray of sunshine! Anyway, I do feel for you and hope you can recover from this soon. (I know you will).
Love
JoEllen
Yep, I'm crying. Oh friend. My Mommy-heart is hugging yours. It happened. It's a mistake. "It's was an accident" is said daily in my house.
HUGS.